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By Aldo Chircop <\/b><\/p>\n
You would be hard pressed to find another kind of relationship that provides as much drama, frustration, excitement, fear, paranoia, superstition, fetishism, self-doubt and misplaced pride all rolled into one, as the relationship between typical guitar players and their gear.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019ve been involved in the guitar world yourself for some time, or know people who have, you probably know exactly what I\u2019m talking about. In fact, the world of guitar playing provides so many spectacular and entertaining opportunities for \u2018people watching\u2019, that I\u2019ve decided to give a tongue in cheek (but very truthful) account of my observations. Here are the main \u2018sub-species\u2019 I have encountered in my 25 years or so of being immersed in this particular eco system.<\/p>\n
This species is easy to spot. They are prone to make statements and ask questions that cause blank stares, the rolling of eyes or outright laughter from members of other sub-species. Here are some typical examples:<\/p>\n
Clueless specimen to a specimen of another sub-species:<\/p>\n
Q: \u201cOh, you\u2019re playing an electric guitar, but it still makes some sound when you pluck the strings even though it\u2019s not connected to that loudspeaker thingy. How is that possible?\u201d<\/p>\n
A: \u201cDude\u2026seriously? They are strings. Of course they make some sound.\u201d<\/p>\n
Two clueless but hopeful specimens talking:<\/p>\n
Q: \u201cI watched a Pink Floyd concert on TV last night. Man, how does Dave Gilmour get notes to ring out for so long on his guitar?\u201d<\/p>\n
A: \u201cOh yes. I noticed his guitars all have a certain shape of scratch plate or whatever it\u2019s called (outlines the shape in the air with his finger.) There must be something special with those.\u201d<\/p>\n
(Disclosure: the clueless specimen asking the question in this exchange, was me, many years ago. The \u2018special\u2019 guitar in question was a Fender Stratocaster. Probably the most common and widespread electric guitar model EVER.)<\/p>\n
Yet another clueless specimen to his equally clueless friend:<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, I was looking at an Iron Maiden poster, and I noticed that all the tuning pegs on Steve Harris\u2019 bass were all pointing in the same direction. THAT must be why he sounds so good!\u201d<\/p>\n
And here\u2019s another one that doesn\u2019t want to die and still crops up every now and then:<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, you have a guitar. Is it a rhythm or a lead guitar?\u201d<\/p>\n
In all fairness, being \u2018clueless\u2019 is one of the few traits in this list that are no fault of the person in question. We all start from there. So, if you are clueless right now but would like to know more, that\u2019s great! If you already know more and get asked a \u2018clueless question\u2019, please try to be patient. \ud83d\ude0a<\/p>\n
Once hopeful guitar players grow out of the clueless phase, they typically branch out into other sub-species. Some go through all the different sub-species one by one as they mature, while others seem to get stuck in the same one their whole life. Let\u2019s have a look at these ever so fascinating categories.<\/p>\n
This is the kind of guy who gets totally fixated on some famous guitar player. He decides that to be just a good as his hero, he needs to imitate every little thing about him, which includes acquiring the exact type of guitar, amplifier, guitar picks, gadgets, hair style, clothes and sunglasses which the hero uses. Our hero worshipper therefore dedicates himself completely to the quest, secure in the knowledge that once he gets all those details correctly, he\u2019ll be a hero too. Uhm\u2026right.<\/p>\n
This sub-species is really a more advanced phase in the hero worshipper\u2019s life cycle. This phase is brought on after the hero worshipper has dedicated tons of time and money towards imitating his hero, yet still sounds like total garbage when he plays guitar even though he\u2019s now using the exact same gear that his hero uses. Funny how that works\u2026.<\/p>\n
The disillusioned phase typically lasts until the hero worshipper discovers yet another detail about his hero that he hasn\u2019t imitated yet and decides that this new detail MUST be the missing link that will get him to hero-worthy greatness. And the cycle keeps repeating.<\/p>\n
This guy has a very peculiar ability: being proud of the fact that everything about his guitar playing persona screams to the world \u201cI SUCK!\u201d<\/p>\n
Identifying this sub-species is pretty easy once you know what cluster of characteristics to look out for.<\/p>\n
The crud master firmly believes that \u2018being raw and authentic\u2019 always trumps being \u2018too polished\u2019 or \u2018becoming a sell-out\u2019. This will be reflected in every detail, which the consummate crud master will elevate to a true art form. This typically means a constant state of unkemptness, dirty attire and pungent body odour. All this will be perfectly reflected in the gear he uses: a battered, barely functional guitar that\u2019s not even fit to light a fire with, set up in a way that makes it as difficult to play and as out of tune as possible, with strings that haven\u2019t been changed since Napoleon was in exile. Even his guitar picks will look like they\u2019ve been chewed up by a dog.<\/p>\n
Other points of pride for the crud master are the variety of band stickers and patches that adorn his cruddy gear and cruddy attire, the number of empty beer cans strewn around his band\u2019s rehearsal<\/p>\n
garage, and his constant unsolicited advice that \u201cyou don\u2019t need to learn music theory, man\u2026just play from the heart!\u201d<\/p>\n
This guy is the diametrical opposite of the crud master. He firmly believes that you are only as good as your gear, and the greater the mystique and price tag of a piece of equipment, the better. He\u2019ll go to extreme lengths to acquire a variety of the most expensive and \u2018legendary\u2019 gear, and he\u2019ll make sure that you know about it.<\/p>\n
He also convinces himself that one day he\u2019ll actually get serious about practicing guitar and learn to play at least four measures of a song in time, but right now, re-mortgaging his house to buy that rare 1959 Les Paul is more important.<\/p>\n
This guy is somewhat like the brand fetishist in his worship of gear, but whereas the fetishist goes for name, the insecure hoarder goes for quantity.<\/p>\n
How do you spot an insecure hoarder? Don\u2019t worry, he\u2019ll tell you. This is the kind of guy who as soon as he discovers you play guitar or are interested in starting to, just HAS to let you know that he has 47 guitars and 29 amplifiers at home, which he\u2019s been collecting for the last 31 years.<\/p>\n
The important thing to know about the insecure hoarder, is that the number of guitars and amplifiers he owns will invariably be inversely proportional to his guitar playing ability. In other words, the more impressive his collection is and the more eager he is to tell you about it, the more you can be sure that he can make all those countless guitars and amps sound like garbage. But somehow, he convinces himself that owning lots of gear makes him a musician, or at the very least gives him the right to brag about how \u2018seriously\u2019 he takes his craft.<\/p>\n
This guy is sort of the crazy professor of guitar gear who\u2019s always looking for the new type of \u2018flux capacitor\u2019 that will finally give him his \u2018perfect tone.\u2019 Rather than acquiring expensive brands of guitars, he seems to delight more in seeking out obscure gadgets, rare effect pedals and unique equipment modifications. He\u2019ll go to great lengths to find a specific rare brand of tubes to upgrade his hand wired, heavily modified valve amp, or some type of diode that\u2019s been out of production since 1963 to fit into his vintage Tube Screamer.<\/p>\n
Strangely, he is convinced that the dozen or so drunks who hang out at the Dog & Vomit pub where he plays open mics every weekend will notice whether he has germanium or silicon transistors in his effect pedals\u2026.<\/p>\n
This is the kind of guy who just HAS to try every new gadget that comes out on the market. He\u2019s like the paranoid tweaker in his eternal quest for \u2018tone\u2019, but whereas the tweaker looks for the more<\/p>\n
obscure and hidden details, the thrill seeker likes it big and flashy. The more complex and packed with features a gadget is, the more the thrill seeker \u2018needs\u2019 it, even though he\u2019ll never ever use 99% of all those options. What drives the thrill seeker is the hope that somewhere within all those features, he\u2019ll discover that one magic bullet that will finally get him to sonic nirvana.<\/p>\n
This is how the thrill seeker rationalizes spending thousands on some new amp modeller that\u2019s more complicated than a spaceship and sports more features than he\u2019ll ever use in a hundred lifetimes, even though he still can\u2019t play four measures of a simple groove without losing the beat.<\/p>\n
This is the young guy who just managed to scrape, borrow or beg enough money to buy his first viable guitar and amp. Typically, he\u2019s forced to make do with cheap or old gear because he can\u2019t afford any better. But what he lacks in gear bragging rights, he makes up with enthusiasm. He\u2019s the kind of guy who\u2019ll sit in his room for hours every day practicing like mad.<\/p>\n
Ironically, unlike the categories above, he will usually have become a very good guitar player by the time he can afford better gear. Not having the funds to chase shiny objects lets him focus on the most important priorities (like, you know, actually learning to play the guitar.)<\/p>\n
This is the guy who has finally achieved peace and wisdom. After a long journey across the guitar gear universe, he\u2019s finally seen the light.<\/p>\n
He has experimented so much that he doesn\u2019t need to do it anymore, except for an occasional \u2018treat\u2019. He has discovered what works for him and what he actually needs and has pared down his gear to the essentials. This means a few choice pieces of high-quality gear which he has learned to use really well, plus maybe an extra toy or two just for fun. If he used to be a recovering hoarder, tweaker or thrill seeker, nowadays he has the wisdom to stay away from temptations, such as shops and websites selling shiny objects that could trigger an episode of G.A.S. (Gear Acquisition Syndrome.)<\/p>\n
Sometimes even the most seasoned Zen Master will have an occasional relapse, but typically he\u2019ll keep it under control.<\/p>\n
No one ever starts out as a Zen Master, and very few manage to reach this level, which requires paying your dues and struggling through many, if not all, of the previously mentioned categories.<\/p>\n
Then again, as they say, the fun is in the journey itself. \ud83d\ude0a<\/p>\n
About the author: <\/i><\/p>\n